The Division of Responsibility for You and Me

In the past few posts we have opened further the concepts within the Division of Responsibility.

A quick recap:
- Parents are responsible for the where, what, and when of eating
- Kids are responsible for if they eat and how much

These concepts also apply to each of us as individuals. Let's take a further look at the parent role and how that relates to us:
You are responsible for choosing where you eat, what you eat, and when you eat. What helpful ideals have you learned from Creating Peace with Food that optimize these responsibilities?

Where: A table and without distractions. Why? It is important for us to tune into our food and our experience around food because we are more mindful eaters in this context. We actually taste food this way versus being tuned into a TV and not even realizing we are eating. We are better able to tune into our hunger and satiety cues. Without these cues, we do not know when to give ourselves permission to eat and permission to stop eating. And this ties into the child's responsibility of choosing if and how much to eat; we will venture this way next week.

• We do not need to be afraid of focusing on our food experience. We will not overdo it. If this is a fear you have, for example: 'I eat and read at meals because if I don't I will eat too much.'  This is an area to work on with us. What is happening, is you are not allowing yourself to feel or give permission to your hunger and satiety cues. This happens for a variety of individual reasons and is best explored in a session.
• Also, focusing on the food does not mean obsessing over food. We sit down, we eat and enjoy, we are done. There is no need for really long focused meals.
• If you are struggling with an eating disorder, these ideas may seem impossible; however, they are opportunities to discover, explore, and heal your areas of vulnerability to your eating disorder. These principles will set you up for success for recovery.

What: A well rounded meal. 1/2 our plate vegetables, 1/4 of our plate starch, 1/4 of our plate meat or meat substitute. With some fruit, dairy or dairy substitute, and a treat available at times of the meal, we will definitely be providing ourselves with an array of satisfying food. Remember, the point is to make these foods available. If they are not available, we never have the choice of whether we eat them or not. Having foods available and creating countless opportunities for food exposure increases the likelihood that we will expand out palates, just as kids do.

And snacks- some combination of carbohydrate and protein or fat when protein is not available. For example, a fruit and dairy (yogurt and fruit); dairy and starch (cheese and crackers), fat and starch (nut butter on toast), meat and fruit (hard boiled egg and fruit). This principle greatly affects the child's role and therefore affects each of us as individuals as well. We will take a closer look next time.

When: Within and hour of waking and every 3-4 hours until retiring. This creates a steady stream of fuel throughout the day for optimal energy levels and the development of appropriate hunger and satiety cues.

Next time, we will take a look at the child's role and how it depends on the principles above and applies to each of us.

The Division of Responsibility- picky eaters, overeaters, undereaters

In our last blog, "Developing Good Eaters- for You and Your Loved Ones”, we mentioned the Division of Responsibility. We will explore this topic today which builds upon the principles of Setting Expectations that you read about in our last blog. 

The Division of Responsibility states:

• The parent is responsible for the what, when, and where of eating
• The child is responsible for how much and whether they eat

What does this mean?  

- Parents are responsible for: 

• What will be available for meals and snacks
• And When and Where meals and snacks will take place

- And the child’s responsibility is very clear. They determine if they eat and how much they will eat.    

This concept may sound bizarre for parents of picky eaters or parents of kids who are overweight or underweight. Some common objections to this initial presentation are:

• “If they choose what they are going to eat, they are never going to try something new!”
• “If they get to choose if they eat, then they will never eat.”
• “If they get to choose how much they eat, they will overeat.”

We can all agree, these are very legitimate concerns. Let’s examine and address each concern further.

“If they choose what they are going to eat, they are never going to try something new!”

Actually, on the contrary, if kids are consistently exposed to a wide array of foods in a neutral environment (no forcing or restricting of food), they will become comfortable and curious about the foods available. It may take them a significant amount of time developing this comfort and it may happen in stages. For example, just having the food on the table or on their plate may progress to them touching the food, then tasting the food. They may need multiple neutral exposures (5-20 or even more) until they choose to eat this food (1). They may only try a few new foods a year, but that is very different than not trying any at all. Not only do the new foods add up over time but, finally, the battle over getting your child to try foods is eliminated. This usually takes a lot of energy off the parent’s plate.

“If they get to choose if they eat, then they will never eat.”

As human beings, we innately know when we are hungry and full. Your child will learn to eat because if they do not eat, they will soon understand what hunger is. To assure this step (the child choosing if and how much to eat) is properly approached, the when of eating needs to be set by the parents- 3 meals and 3 snacks (eating about every 3-4 hours). Thus, if your child chooses not to eat, they know that they will have another meal or snack within a few hours. The “when” concept (set meal and snack times) eliminates eating between meals. Yes, this means that eating happens at the table and in a certain window of time. There is no leaving the table and coming back for more and there is no asking for different foods at meals or between meals and snacks. They may ask, however, this is where you get to gently remind them that they have a meal or snack coming soon and they may want to choose to eat more at their next eating time.

“If they get to choose how much they eat, they will overeat.”

This may happen at first, especially if kids have been restricted from eating. Once the child truly understands they can eat as much as they want to at meals and snacks, however, they will no longer feel the need to overeat. Knowing they can eat as much as they want will allow them to pay attention to how they are feeling while they are eating instead of focusing on how much they will get to have. In gaining this sense of hunger and fullness, children will then automatically give themselves permission to eat and ALSO give themselves permission to stop eating. This takes time and trust that your child’s body inherently knows how to work; it is about giving them the opportunity to really tune in to what their body is telling them.

At the end of the day, the DOR usually takes a lot of work off of the parent’s plate. It is in giving up this control though, that many parents find the most challenging. What are your thoughts?

Next time, we will talk about how the DOR is applicable to each of us as individuals and how being a living example is most helpful for kids and others. 



1) This information and other concepts in this article can be read about in greater detail at ellynsatter.com.

Developing Good Eaters- for You and Your Loved Ones

Regardless of if you have little kids, big kids, a spouse who still acts like a kid, they are your family and it’s important to know how to feed them right!

We are going to go in-depth on several hot topics such as How to Raise Good Eaters-or Re-Raise Good Eaters at Any Age, Handling Picky Situations, What is Normal?!, Dinner Time Shuffles, and much more!

Our first topic…..Setting Expectations

Expectation 1:
Know Your Responsibility. Parents are responsible for the what, when, and where of feeding. Your child (NO MATTER the AGE) is responsible for the how much and whether of eating. (See Ellyn Satter’s article: Division of Responsibilites. We will discuss this in further detail soon. Until then check out this link.

Expectation 2:
Kids have about a 5-10 minute window where they are willing to sit down and eat a meal. So it’s important that you are able to enjoy these brief moments of stillness by being present with them at the table.

You can make this a reality by: Planning your meals ahead of time and have what you need for that meal available to you or your kids before sitting down (such as napkins, bibs, beverages, etc.).  This will limit the number of times you have to leave the table for small trips back to the kitchen.

Expectation 3:
Food preferences vary and if you have toddlers this can vary from breakfast to lunch! It can take 8, 10, 15, or 20+ times of introducing a food before it may even be tasted.  Be patient, have no fret, eventually the asparagus will get eaten.

Expectation 4:
Honor Your Mealtimes. Seems easy enough, but so often we feel rushed, anxious, and full of stress we forget to eat, skip it intentionally because of no time, or pass snacks to the kids while in the car.  Occasionally yes, life happens. However on a daily basis, the consistent neglect of sitting down to eat a meal together is role modeling to our families that meals are not important, eating and enjoying our food is not important, our bodies and health are not important. This is a classic example of “Do what I say, not as I do.” Reverse this by designating set meal times through-out the day for breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, & dinner. You may already be following a similar routine without knowing it!

Expectation 5:
Before you help another, you have to help yourself. Do you have a personal struggle with your relationship to food? Maybe it is skipping meals, avoiding certain foods, emotional eating, or finding time to prepare & plan healthful meals at home. Acknowledge your weaknesses and address them. A registered dietitian can help you overcome these issues so that you can lead your whole family to good health.

Weekly Challenge: Read Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibilities. Consider how you can apply these principles into your daily life. Post your insights, questions, concerns, & successes in the comment section. We love to hear from you!!!

"Tech Support"- utilizing technology for recovery- Recovery Record

Are you recovering from an eating disorder or trying to improve you relationship with food? There's an app for that. Have you heard of Recovery Record? Check it out on the internet or on your smart device. We learned of this application through clients who have been using it (and they are raving about it).

What is the app?

• Basically support by technology to help you continue making the choices you want to in the day. You could also call it coping via technology. The story behind the application is very neat as well.
• The app offers a place for you to log and track your food intake (no calories of course which is great) based on an eating frequency that you set.
• You can then set alarms with encouraging messages to help you keep achieving your goals.
• Messages are sent to you throughout the day to remind and encourage you.

Some aspects of Recovery Record our clients like:

• Custom settings to fit my needs
• Encouragement
• Help keeping the choices I really want to make, in the forefront of my mind

• Something I can have with me all the time

• Reminders, reminders, reminders

Some aspects of Recovery Record we like in particular:

• We see ways this application can be used not only for eating disorders, but for many people striving to create peace with food (talk to us in session if you are interested and we can help configure your settings)
• The ability to connect with providers through the application! We are not quite sure how this feature works, but hope we can try it in the future.

• Encouragement, coping, and helping people to continue striving to eat at regular intervals throughout the day.

Let us know what you think here and/or at our forum!

Resriction Vs Restraint, Blog 2

Last time we explored the concepts of restricting and restraining. Today, let's take a look at an example of restraint.

Precursors to practicing restraint:

1. Eating within an hour of waking
2. Eating meals and snacks every 3-4 hours until bed
3. Practicing balance at the plate using our CPF Plate Model
4. Practicing mindfulness at the plate

These practices will set us up for success when trying restraint. Without them, we are likely to be over hungry and craving which makes practicing restraint more challenging than it needs to be.

Step 1: Observation (each to take place over  a series of meals during the week, I would recommend 1-5 meals for each):

• Observe the point at which you sense you are full, do you stop eating or do you keep eating?
• Observe when you sense you are no longer hungry and then observe when you are satisfied or full. What do each of these stages feel like? 
• How do you respond to the above stages? Do you stop eating? Do you feel good, bad, happy, satisfied, angry, depressed? Try to point out why you feel the way you do (you may not know, but continue to ask yourself this question).

Step 2: Dialogue If you realize further from your observations that you have a hard time stopping after meals, write out the dialogue present. Usually it sounds something similar to the following:

Notice the spiral on the left side and no comment from the right side. We may be left feeling discouraged and disappointed.  Contrary to leaving these situations "happy", we are working towards leaving these situations with acceptance, forgiveness, and with nurturing help for the future. The above dialogue does not provide this.

Step 3 Act and Observe More:

• For a few meals:
• Eat to the point of feeling satisfied or full
• Observe your thoughts, actions, feelings
• For a few meals:
• Eat to the point of feeling satisfied or full
• Set your food and utensils down
• Your action is to do nothing but to continue observing your thoughts and feelings
• The tendency here will be to want to pick up the food item or food utensil again to silence all the thoughts
• Your challenge- restrain yourself so that you can experience sitting with these feelings
• Allow your thoughts and feelings to just be
• Once you are able to accept how you feel and think, begin to explore other dialogue that may be helpful for you. Here is an example (this is very informal because I am trying to mimic actual thoughts rather than providing a formal conversation that you may not identify with):

continued (I could not get the picture to format the same)....

Notice the difference in this set of thoughts versus the pattern of thoughts in the grid in step two. With this grid, we leave with constructive points. With the first grid we leave with destructive points.

Encouraging note: this is HARD work. Yes, it takes work. My claim is that it is worth the work and I think you will find this too. 

My challenge to you: be very aware of thoughts that say, "look how hard this is for you, you are bad at this, this is why you are never going to be able to do this, it is too hard." Try answering and standing up to these thoughts: "Yes! You are right! This is really hard. And that is okay. It is okay for this to be hard. It is not fun but it is realistic to expect that it is going to be hard; I have never learned how to do this before. I have never learned how to withstand, persevere through, or thrive through these types of situations. I have a lot of learning to do. And yes, it is going to be hard. That doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. It means I am human and I am right on track."