The Division of Responsibility- picky eaters, overeaters, undereaters

In our last blog, "Developing Good Eaters- for You and Your Loved Ones”, we mentioned the Division of Responsibility. We will explore this topic today which builds upon the principles of Setting Expectations that you read about in our last blog. 

The Division of Responsibility states:

• The parent is responsible for the what, when, and where of eating
• The child is responsible for how much and whether they eat

What does this mean?  

- Parents are responsible for: 

• What will be available for meals and snacks
• And When and Where meals and snacks will take place

- And the child’s responsibility is very clear. They determine if they eat and how much they will eat.    

This concept may sound bizarre for parents of picky eaters or parents of kids who are overweight or underweight. Some common objections to this initial presentation are:

• “If they choose what they are going to eat, they are never going to try something new!”
• “If they get to choose if they eat, then they will never eat.”
• “If they get to choose how much they eat, they will overeat.”

We can all agree, these are very legitimate concerns. Let’s examine and address each concern further.

“If they choose what they are going to eat, they are never going to try something new!”

Actually, on the contrary, if kids are consistently exposed to a wide array of foods in a neutral environment (no forcing or restricting of food), they will become comfortable and curious about the foods available. It may take them a significant amount of time developing this comfort and it may happen in stages. For example, just having the food on the table or on their plate may progress to them touching the food, then tasting the food. They may need multiple neutral exposures (5-20 or even more) until they choose to eat this food (1). They may only try a few new foods a year, but that is very different than not trying any at all. Not only do the new foods add up over time but, finally, the battle over getting your child to try foods is eliminated. This usually takes a lot of energy off the parent’s plate.

“If they get to choose if they eat, then they will never eat.”

As human beings, we innately know when we are hungry and full. Your child will learn to eat because if they do not eat, they will soon understand what hunger is. To assure this step (the child choosing if and how much to eat) is properly approached, the when of eating needs to be set by the parents- 3 meals and 3 snacks (eating about every 3-4 hours). Thus, if your child chooses not to eat, they know that they will have another meal or snack within a few hours. The “when” concept (set meal and snack times) eliminates eating between meals. Yes, this means that eating happens at the table and in a certain window of time. There is no leaving the table and coming back for more and there is no asking for different foods at meals or between meals and snacks. They may ask, however, this is where you get to gently remind them that they have a meal or snack coming soon and they may want to choose to eat more at their next eating time.

“If they get to choose how much they eat, they will overeat.”

This may happen at first, especially if kids have been restricted from eating. Once the child truly understands they can eat as much as they want to at meals and snacks, however, they will no longer feel the need to overeat. Knowing they can eat as much as they want will allow them to pay attention to how they are feeling while they are eating instead of focusing on how much they will get to have. In gaining this sense of hunger and fullness, children will then automatically give themselves permission to eat and ALSO give themselves permission to stop eating. This takes time and trust that your child’s body inherently knows how to work; it is about giving them the opportunity to really tune in to what their body is telling them.

At the end of the day, the DOR usually takes a lot of work off of the parent’s plate. It is in giving up this control though, that many parents find the most challenging. What are your thoughts?

Next time, we will talk about how the DOR is applicable to each of us as individuals and how being a living example is most helpful for kids and others. 



1) This information and other concepts in this article can be read about in greater detail at ellynsatter.com.